Today I will share a story that is a life lesson on “How to resolve conflicts in relationships?” In our country there is a common saying – “As the night passes, the problem passes”. I would resort to this tactic as a child many a times when I would be trying to avoid conflicts with my siblings or my friends. An argument during the day or a fight over a petty issue would result in a major showdown. Now, since we were not trained to discuss matters at that tender age, we would hope that the conflict will ‘automatically’ disappear in the depths of the night and I could wake up feeling fresh, as if nothing had happened.
However, every morning I would distinctly remember the last feeling I would carry to bed – a feeling of discomfort and a wish that my friend or sibling (as the case demanded) would come and patch things up – somewhere even at that tender age, subconsciously I knew that if we spoke things out, I would sleep better and wake up happier.
As I grew older, this became a pattern where I would postpone discussing a problem or misunderstanding with my family or friends, in the hope that things would be better when I woke up – after all, it was a new day! The next day would typically shape up in one the following scenarios:
- The discussion will pick up where we left it off last night and while the conflict will be resolved, it would leave me tired and relieved at the same time.
- The day would be a busy one with many things taking priority and the misunderstanding would not get discussed immediately. So either,
- It will come up as a discussion soon and get resolved. I would walk away with a feeling of relief, hoping I had done this earlier OR
- The moment will never come soon enough and when it would, the unresolved issue would crop up at the most unexpected moment serving as a catalyst to the current issue at hand! This would leave me perplexed, angry and being treated unfairly.
In any of these scenarios, the feelings running through me would be similar – frustration, helplessness, letdown, anger and stress.
In all the scenarios, the atmosphere around me would be similar – heavy, tentative, less in love and restless.
As I started working, I realized I was susceptible to stress and worked extensively and successfully working on resolving the stress emanating from various sources – office, traffic, pollution, home affairs, slow internet, poor mobile reception etc.
And then, one new perspective shone down at me once I got married and moved to a new city with a new job. New city, new job, new family, new life – exciting, rejuvenating, motivating and anticipating.
Once the two of us settled down into our new home and respective high-flying jobs, the daily fun of life were served on a platter and both of us were having our fill. We had also made a very close set of friends who were frequent collaborators in all the fun-filed activities. One year into this life, a common observation started coming from every friend – our home had such a positive, welcoming feel to it, that it felt like ‘home away from home’ for them.
One Saturday evening, we were preparing for our friends to come over – it was our turn this weekend to host the small group of three couples at our place on Sunday. Everything was going well till we had a difference of opinion on a small matter. It quickly snowballed from a viewpoint to an argument and then into some outbursts and finally to a sulking silence. I quietly picked up a book to read. I also played some music hoping that it will uplift my mood and around. Somehow these things did not work any magic on our respective moods and after a quiet dinner, we called it a day. No further discussion or attempt to resolve the conflict. Just a muted “Good Night”.
As I lay awake, I realized I was uncomfortable but that was not new – I had been uncomfortable earlier in similar situations with my siblings.
I was assured that this will pass as I slept it off and Voila! Come morning, everything would be as good as new!
I dozed off and as the first rays of the sun woke me up the next (Sunday) morning, I was assured all would be well. Imagine the rude shock that awaited me – my spouse who was now my best friend looked under-slept and tired and I was not feeling too good myself. We went about with ‘normal’ conversations hoping we would feel better by the time our friends arrived – In my head, I had shoved the previous evening’s discord under the carpet. After all, “As the night passes, the problem also passes”.
No such miracle happened this time – and I realized the root cause:
- Drivers of Life had matured with time: I had become aware about the subtle and profound drivers of life – love, harmony, peace, personal growth – material and spiritual, contributor and collaborator to relationships – this instance had impacted all these drivers.
- Togetherness in my achievements was a necessity – A goal achieved in partnership is enjoyed in double and the associated challenges halved – our friends were coming over and the lunch we had organized was already starting to ‘taste stale’ – thanks to our moods.
- I was not an ‘ostrich in the sand’ anymore – I could not ignore an unresolved situation – it would keep playing in my head till a strategy gets defined and executed upon. If a heart-to-heart conversation is all that is needed to resolve the situation, I would not want to waste a moment.
- I never lost sight of my blessings – Gratitude was a state that was now my lifeline – Every moment of my existence I would thank the universe for all the blessings I had in my life.
- And a profound realization that everyone has the right to look at things from their own perspective – who am I to judge them or impose my outlook on them? This included every near and dear one of mine.
But, before I could act upon this realization and reach out to my spouse for a conversation and resolve the conflict, my friends started arriving – guess what each of them said as they walked in?
“Is something wrong? Your home vibes feel heavy and slow…is everything all right?”
Both of us managed through the lunch – they, being close friends played along and by the time everyone left – we were tired – it was more emotional tiredness than physical.
We both looked at each other and she said, “I hope they had fun”.
We had never speculated on this front in the past one year – since we all were like one big, happy family.
We grabbed the moment that was the key to opening the conversation to resolve the issue that had wasted close to 24 hours of our lives. We discussed and by the end of it were unapologetically apologetic to each other. A heaviness lifted from our hearts and minds and we promised each other that we will always discuss and resolve conflict before saying “Good Night” no matter how petty the issue, no matter how childish the disconnect, no matter how big or small the question, .
No discomfort is ever worth sleeping over – and when you have a loving and caring partner who gives you a listening ear, all that is needed is the will and zeal to bring things back to normal.
It is now 16 years since that incident and that was the first and last time that we made each other go through the trauma of those 24hours. We resolve conflicts as they arise.
Those 24hours have been a life lesson that I have tried to implement across all my relations. If I have to breakdown this life lesson into realizations that were its milestones, this is how the list would look:
- I am half the culprit: Every situation that transpires in my life, has me playing 50 percent of the part. I cannot point a finger at the other with this statistic.
- The foundation stone is sacrosanct: No incident is worth the risk on your relation. The foundation of a relation is trust and dependability. If one cannot discuss things out with the other, the foundation could get compromised.
- The environment is a magnet: What you are inside is what the environment will attract. To resolve the conflict, I have to be open and honest, creating an environment that will be conducive to finding the solution.
- Everyone’s ‘model of world’ is unique: No two models match – so why should I bet on the other person accepting my viewpoint without giving hers? Her background and experiences would have shaped her outlook and she must be given her airtime.
- Life’s Every Moment is a Teacher: Stay a student and keep learning from every miniscule experience of life – this is an organic growth in our mind and spirit that dissolves disputes and discords ‘automatically’.
Resolve Conflict, Have a Good Night! You will Stay Healthy and Stress-free!!
